Just shut the f*ckup!

Oh my GOD! She’s talking again. Here she goes, another one of her rants, or soap boxes, or arguments about nothing. NO one was even arguing. But here she is, doing IT again.

Fuck, why can’t she see this? This mindless bullshit that she seems so skilled at pulling out of her ass. It’s never pretty, no one ever likes it. So, why? Why does it seem to make others angry though? That’s the real question. Is it the subject matter? Is it the hostility? Is it, shit… More likely than not it’s just that she does it¬†every, single, damn, time. Is it EVER JUST a conversation? Inquiries of all sorts are off limits to this. Just being becomes an act of willful conflict.

Just shut the fuck up! You want to say. Just ONE time, that’d be nice. Give me a break from having to be polite, nice, kind. Can’t we just quit playing this game? Aren’t we adults now? When do we get to start acting like it? When was that time supposed to come when people quit playing these stupid games?

I’ve no idea. I only know that every time I look, that reflection just gets harsher and more vile. I find disgust in it even more. She becomes more my enemy, less capable of friend. That’s when I realize I’m tired of it. I’m done. I give up. I won’t do this anymore. I’m going to the other room. My thoughts no longer inhabit this space.

 

 

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Invalid in the Attic

 

Little no editing has occurred on this piece. It’s rough, as is. ūüôā

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There once was a time when the disadvantaged were kept away in secret. People who had real struggles that weren’t deemed fit for the rest of society. Be they physical abnormalities, mental, or both, they were equally rejected. They were all never discussed in polite society.

Jump to today, the modern age. Technology advancing us faster with each new invention. People of all sorts are readily available to be seen in public. Fantastically. No more families hiding their ’embarrasaments’ in the attic. Yet, even in this time of such ultimate possibility, we still encounter the ‘untouchable’ topics. Issues that cannot be talked about, topics that are to be forgotten about. How is this possible?

Stupidity. The culture of not speaking just got older. They were the products of the generation that hid their failures and embarrassments. Who also came from a generation that had dark attics readily available for such a purpose. Family values. Keep up the norm of appearance, but with nothing like it underneath.

To not follow the expected¬†norm is radical act. One of significant revolution apparently. How dare I point out¬†the failures of the tit-sucking¬†sibling.¬†The ruse so poorly constructed it’s a Claire’s accessory of glamour. The shock and awe at the declaration that apparently would stop nations if it got out. How dare anyone know that she steals from her mothers purse, never mind her daughter is figuring a way through school from those strings. A mole hill. Tunneled clean out inside, hollow as the truths that they tell.

How dare I. I should be locked in the attic. For that is where those who don’t fit in and are an embarrassment should go. They don’t comply to the expectations of polite folks ’round here.

That’s fine. I still have the internet.

 

How’s it going?

It’s been a week since this process began. ¬†It’s been, well, rather easy.

My toughest day was today though. ¬†I thought just wanting to forget would be enough to make me change my mind. ¬†But today’s events, one for my history book. ¬†I endured and triumphed. ¬†Then collapsed and shutdown. ¬†Only to rest though. ¬†To just stop.

Not just metaphorically, to move on. ¬†But actually. ¬†When my experience went from mere frustration to outright anger, I cried. ¬†I was sad that things are the way they are, this is often for me. ¬†I feel so deeply, so strongly. ¬†I want the world to be a better place. ¬†I want humanity to realize its own hand in its suffering. ¬†Why won’t they just wake up? ¬†If they’d just realize this, most of what people endure, every ¬† ¬† single ¬† ¬† day, would be gone. ¬†Mostly. ¬†Not absolutely. ¬†It could be far removed from what is thought of as ‘reality’ to most.

So, why don’t we? ¬†I think it’s that we spend so much time trying to forget, that ¬†we forget what it is that we are doing it¬†for. ¬†How did it start? ¬†Why do we continue.?

Because no one thinks to just stop. ¬†Stopping requires personal responsibility. ¬†Taking ownership of not only our actions, but our choices. ¬†Our desires, expectations. ¬†Mostly our feelings. ¬†That’s where I found my greatest hill to climb. ¬†My Everest. ¬†How dare these ‘feels’ get in the way of my productive life. ¬†Ruining my bullet journal’s points of action and disrupting my path to¬†victory. ¬†‘I’ll be happy then,’ they say.

But it hurts right now. ¬†I know, I’m fully aware of it.

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Notes:

I find myself writing this late at night. ¬†When I’m not able to stay¬†asleep, usually after waking up in the night. ¬†It’s not insomnia, but perhaps the energy of the globe that keeps me from slumber. ¬†I write at this hour because I find I can do so without thought, or judgment from my own criticism. ¬†Which I have more than plenty enough of. ¬†As I reread this I see that I’m inspired by slam poetry in it’s flow. ¬†I write with the desire to express something that’s precious to my soul in a way that doesn’t betray its message. ¬†As such, I sincerely look for feedback on this. ¬†I do not ‘want’ to be a writer, but have a family of them. ¬†It seems like I’m the only one who didn’t inherit this gift. ¬†That’s why I do it. ¬†Because it’s not something I try very hard at, but can’t stop myself from doing. ¬†I need it as I need every other form of expression that comes to me through inspiration. ¬†I need it because someone else might actually see what I’m doing and find something in it that I cannot. ¬† If you have the time to offer assistance in my prose, I appreciate what you can offer. ¬†Please be gentle, as I’ve no training or educated knowledge, only desire and will to do so. ¬†Thank you friend. ¬†For taking the time to read and share with me.

And so it begins…

The first night of one year.  But why tonight?

Because it’s as ‘good a time as any’. ¬†I kind of hate that phrase. ¬†“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” is the other one.

It’s true though. I felt inspired in the bath tub. ¬†Of course it was. ¬†It’s likely that or the toilet. ¬†Just as likely as the shower really.

I’m outta the game. ¬†How’s this going to work? ¬†I have no fucking idea. ¬†I’m basically scared as shit. ¬†Fuck, this means I won’t have excuses, reasons, a crutch.

I hate using crutches. ¬†I know I need them sometimes. ¬†Great knowing they don’t have to last. ¬†Doesn’t make ’em any easier to let go of though.

I imagined a lot of cussing in this. ¬†It’s becoming increasingly evident to me that my imagination/ mind has one¬†of its very own. ¬†Fantasizing the most amazing adventures of dysfunction and hyper vigilant self-criticism, which are implemented¬†often.

Perhaps that’s why I write in weird abandoned paragraphs. ¬†An attempt to give breaths to my bulldozing. ¬†I’m trying really hard not to. ¬†Really.

So, here it is, the thing I’ve been thinking about for… well, I guess weeks could work, but maybe it’s been months. ¬†Perhaps a year? ¬†But probably & more likely since I was 3 years old.

“I’ll never be like them”. ¬†That’s another one I find sour to my senses. ¬†A cliche. ¬†But as I do this, I realize, I won’t.

 

*And a neither a word, nor whisper from my lips, will betray my efforts.

No hairy legs at the gym

The beauty abounds.  Most of them are shiny, bronzed, their clothes glow with an achievement that only effort awards.

They are dedicated, each and every day.  At least most of them.  They know each other, they know everyone.

This is all so literal, it couldn’t be staged. ¬†It’s perfect with a side of smug. ¬†They know they’re perfect. ¬†They’re in the club of perfection. ¬†Even though anyone can join, only these remain.

Entering this womb, the enclosure that protects us from the world, from nature, I find the similarities endless. ¬†Until the locker room. ¬†That’s where anarchy reigns.

Once the exterior is removed, like a skin suit sloughed off periodically, it’s only the vulnerable and vain that remain. ¬†Towels that are too small, or just the right size. ¬†Views that are exhibited but most of them hidden. ¬†Bashful, shy. ¬†No matter the diversity or how cosmopolitan it might seem, there’s no hairy legs at the gym.

The other brother….An Introduction

Of sorts… ¬†This is about the middle brother. ¬†His story is one I’m feeling strongly that needs to be shared. ¬†Why? ¬†Because I want to tell it. ¬†It feels better to express what is fiction that mirrors reality, and let this energy be. ¬†But that’s a bit ‘out there’ sounding, let me try again…

He’s disenfranchised because he has enough, but not enough. ¬†Under achiever extraordinaire, able to ignore viable opportunities handed to him with one glance. ¬†A knack for disruption, that even motorcyclists with modified exhaust can’t beat!

How does he manage to do it? ¬†I’ve no fucking idea. ¬†That’s what this is about, the exploration of this character. ¬†Who, What…You know, things you’d want to know about ‘another’ person.

Perhaps this will get deep. ¬†Maybe he’s deep…

Or not.  That could be too.

Ah well, there you are, an introduction.  Of sorts.

 

XOX

This is dedicated to you, middle brother.  Cheers to the adventure we will take as we hike the hills of life and living.  For, in the end,we will both know our worth for it.

 

Current: Probiotic from food

I freakin’ am in LOVE ūüíö with Gut Shot Probiotic. ¬†A probiotic that’s derived from food based cultures, that’s easy to take, nondairy and quickly effective.

I have been drinking the Garlic Dill Pickle flavor and am SO enjoying it, my mouth gets watery just writing this!  It tastes just like a classic dill pickle flavor, without the nasty metal additives.

Gut Shot Dill

Does it work? you ask… For me? Yes! ¬†I am recovering from ‘food born illness’ and have had to take a consistent supply of probiotics daily. ¬†So, I bought some capsules of Jarrow brand and this. ¬†(side note: they both must stay cold, as is generally expected). ¬†I began with the capsules, which I wrote about my experience here. ¬†But the next day, I began the shots. ¬†I’ve now not need the capsules, and can take just this, but not only that, if I need it because I, well, ate too much cereal an hour before bed, just take a shot of this, and my stomach began to ease in discomfort.

I’m a big fan right now, and will definitely be trying the other flavors.

Gut-Shot

Have you tried this?  What flavor do you enjoy?

 

Fantod Tarot Pack

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Just received my set and can say this was much anticipated!  I absolutely love the work of Edward Gorey, his art being featured on the wonderful PBS show Mystery!.  I was absolutely in love with the show simply for the intro, which eventually just became a love of most things PBS.  So, finding a tarot pack of his making, such a glory!

It’s quite humorous, dark but clever really.

 

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While it’s not likely one I’ll be going to for divination, I do enjoy thumbing through it when bored, or looking for random inspiration. ¬†Hoping it might serve in that purpose artistically, as I am such a fan of his. ¬†Plus, I think of it as perhaps an insight into the man he was, which is always of great interest to me with people who create wonderful things.

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Some of the interpretations of the cards, as you can see, it’s succinct, and has a darker meaning associated.

Would I recommend this pack?  Yes, for Gorey fan, Artist, a gift for a fan of divination through cards, or those who would have a connection to darker symbolism.