Something smart here

Insert a witty comment about an observation and how you can relate to it, you really can. Or, I can. Fuck, whose blog is this…. Ok, fine.

Thinking (pretending?) I’m someone people ‘want to read’ or hear from.  My opinion, my thoughts.  Look at what I made!  But sure as fuck don’t copy it or attempt to resell it. Fucker. See? She’s cuses a lot, that’s why we don’t invite her.

But, what the hell, why the hell, not?  I wonder how long I can keep up speek in text going?  I think perhaps until I…….

Whooooo! That was close. I almost blew my brains out. No, really peoples speech impediments are fine and all, but I’m, allergic, to them. It’s like hives, but oozy? Yeah, that bad. So, it’s best for both of us if I just quit.

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I’ll live forever! I read a book on it.

Yep. I read the book. The website too. I’ve watched ALL the videos available anywhere. I’m going to live forever. But you aren’t. You didn’t do all this. You aren’t what I am.                 P-E-R-F-E-C-T. Hell yeah, I am, you aren’t. I know because I judge you. I see what you are.

You’ve got to quit eating everything. It’s going to kill you. You are going to DIE if you have that. I promise. I know so. Everything I’ve read says so. These people KNOW their stuff. They write about nutrition because they are dedicated to the truth! They don’t need a degree in science, they aren’t sheep that follow the lies of society! You’re being lied to. Know that’s a fact! Here’s a video on it. I know watching animals being slaughtered will cure you. You inhumane piece of garbage. I say that because your body odor is nasty from your lifestyle. How dare you offend my angelic existence with such filth!

But I know for a fact that grains will be the end of you. I know because I don’t eat them. Not because I need to, but because I’m better than you. Just know that. I can also bench your fat ass body weight. Why are you even at the gym? The gym is for fit people, not fatties. What the hell? Ruining my gym eye candy like that. I’m going to throw back a 35 oz protein shake, ‘cuz muscles. I’ll be right back, I’ve gotta go run 10 miles.

I know this cures cancer. It prevents it too. Cancer is the #1 thing. People are dying every day, like all the time. Bet they didn’t eat like me or workout, like, at all. Dumbasses. They are so stupid. Don’t they know? Oh My GAWD! Just do what I do already. I’m right! I read a book on it!

SHIT!

We all die in the end

Originally written April, 2016.

Trying to unwrap me from the experience of taking myself so seriously.  I know I do it.  How do I know?  Because I can’t just let words flow from my heart, I can’t just paint something, or sculpt.  It comes out, well, all shit.

Then there’s the times when it works.  When I get to have it.  When it happens.  But I didn’t make that happen either.  I just allowed it to.  How could I even help this?  I keep doing, trying, attempting.  Failing.  Not living up to ‘my standard’, showing off my work to others who might judge it, me.  This is all such a cliche, but if cliches are so common, then why don’t I see others with the same observation?

Perhaps they’re afraid.  The judgement can be harsh and leave us feeling worthless.  I think in those cases I worry about suicide.  If I were to really just express and not think, what would happen if real expression wasn’t met with disregard.  There’d be lots of questions, firstly.  Always questions.  Seriously, a fucking ocean of them.  To drown in, to lose my identity in.  If I can’t answer them all, then I must not exist, right?  The lack of concreteness to the experience is unsettling and when I think I know who I am, I swim up to more questions.

Right when I think I know who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be, I realize it’s all pointless.  We all die in the end anyway.

Just shut the f*ckup!

Oh my GOD! She’s talking again. Here she goes, another one of her rants, or soap boxes, or arguments about nothing. NO one was even arguing. But here she is, doing IT again.

Fuck, why can’t she see this? This mindless bullshit that she seems so skilled at pulling out of her ass. It’s never pretty, no one ever likes it. So, why? Why does it seem to make others angry though? That’s the real question. Is it the subject matter? Is it the hostility? Is it, shit… More likely than not it’s just that she does it every, single, damn, time. Is it EVER JUST a conversation? Inquiries of all sorts are off limits to this. Just being becomes an act of willful conflict.

Just shut the fuck up! You want to say. Just ONE time, that’d be nice. Give me a break from having to be polite, nice, kind. Can’t we just quit playing this game? Aren’t we adults now? When do we get to start acting like it? When was that time supposed to come when people quit playing these stupid games?

I’ve no idea. I only know that every time I look, that reflection just gets harsher and more vile. I find disgust in it even more. She becomes more my enemy, less capable of friend. That’s when I realize I’m tired of it. I’m done. I give up. I won’t do this anymore. I’m going to the other room. My thoughts no longer inhabit this space.