Not sure this is what ‘heart centered’ means…

Lately, I’ve begun to wonder about myself and my experience. I’m am emotionally sensitive person whose had a life, that, well, hasn’t been so nice…

It’s not ‘as bad’ as someone else’s, but it’s probably been a bit harder than a lot of peoples. I only say that because no one else has told me their deepest, darkest, most horrid life stories. So really, I’m just fantasizing that I’m that ‘special’. But honestly, for someone like myself who feels everything like a flood, it really is harder. Even so, I’ve begun to look at this and wonder, is it just me? Well, yes, but really the question being can I really, actually find a way to observe all this and not have to slop through the mud of my heart in order to be fully awake to my experiences?

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I’m reading a book about this. If you know me personally, this is an ‘of course you are’ statement. (I’m always reading a book, article, website, something, about anything and everything…). It’s actually the best I’ve read yet. It’s called Feeling Wisdom. It’s fantastic. It’s a blend of Buddhism and Psychology. The first and only I’ve found like it. I’ve followed Buddhism more so than most spiritual practices over the many years and use it as a reference point for most things I do in my journey. The author is very well versed in both aspects and really sheds a new light on the illusion of our emotions and how we are helped by acknowledging them from a psychological stand point. He’s a fan of Carl Jung, a bonus for me, and really integrates all this into a presentation that I’ve found easy to relate to.

Too bad it doesn’t do the work for me though. The aspects of this I’ve found helpful have offered a guidance and light to my experience that I find incredibly helpful when a moment becomes a challenge emotionally. I’m able to be there for my experience in a way that I’ve not found before. Despite all that I’ve read and integrated into my daily experiences, it’s taken much time and a lot of continued reading to finally put major aspects of this timeless wisdom into practical application. I appreciate being able to attest to that, for it’s times like today, yesterday, now, that I find myself lost with no guides, no light, maybe no hope?

I know this isn’t permanent, and I know I’ll get through this with greater understanding, but it’s being in it that sucks. My heart is tired of feeling, my mind is tired of thinking, the body is about to revolt on me and demand food at 2 AM, out of spite. I just don’t have any answers when this kind of vulnerability rises. This is my rawest moments, the moments of true experience that cannot be hidden well.

This is what I question. Living in a society that over values positivity and a happy/ cheerful attitude, this kind of feeling is lost. It has no place to land in the general population of perspectives. I’ve come across that raw fact more than once. Even with those who are willing to feel themselves, they run like a rat from a snake when raw emotions start to surface. It sucks. Not because they can’t or won’t, but because it leaves the one feeling without experience of support and nurturing. Love and compassion. Acceptance and peace is a hopeful wish of those of us who feel so deeply.

I’m learning, teaching myself, little bit by little. It’s all such a process that there’s no way to rush it, demand more or different. I know my spiritual practice gives all this weight, thank goodness for that. It’s grounding to know. But sometimes I just want to be me, without a filter or pretense. For I know that the more authentic I am, the more you can be too. Then the more we all will grow to know who we all truly are.

Do you experience this? I know I’m not the only one, but my kind are quiet, sensitive folks. Share with me a little bit of you, I’d truly love to know. 🙂

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Just where I left it

 

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Shit, it’s another night, another 1 AM, another experience to remind me I can’t move faster, try harder, or forget that what I know as myself is always right here waiting. Waiting for me to stop, to take a moment to see it. To actualize, or accept maybe what it is that I go through. It’s just that I don’t want to do this. I’m so tired and exhausted from having to know this. I see everyone else having a good time, so where’s mine?

I’ve tried all the options to hide from what it is that’s lurking. My feelings, my thoughts, myself. Sex was fun, but it didn’t last. Drugs were great, but I could only handle that for so long before even that got boring. Alcohol didn’t work a damn, never has, not even tonight. Pot was the only ally I had in my fight. The battle of my actual with what I want, hope for, and really need. To be free of the hold this human condition has on me.

Meanwhile, being sober is the best feeling. I know what it is, where it goes, and how to do it. The benefits are amazing. Better than any I’ve gotten from all the experimenting I’ve tried. Everything is clearer, brighter, more hopeful. Which is also the issue, my problems I face, myself that I cannot escape, is obvious, unhidden, and always wanting attention. I think it sees my sobriety as a chance to be free. While in my better moments, that might seem to be true. When it’s a night like this, like so many others, it instead feels hopeless and naive.  I just want to fulfill the impulse. Just take one puff and this would melt away. Ice cream on a hot day. Just remembering that, sends a sense of warm calm over me. But that psychosomatic notion won’t last. It’s the thoughts that arise to remind me of where I actually am. Where they actually are. They are right the fuck here. Where they’ve always been. They go nowhere. As predictable as the sun rising and setting. I know it comes, I know how it feels, how it hurts.

I also know a way out. That’s why I finally set my boundary. I sold it off, someone else can take it’s warmth. Maybe they don’t have the impulse control issues I have with it. Pot’s a fantastic helper. But I’ve come to terms with all my crutches and finally decided I’m done with them. I leave my herbs, my oils and my practices in place. These are no threat to my salvation. But I cannot allow myself the temptation of a plant that offers me the option of turning off. It works so perfectly, so predictably, so well. But I’m not better for it. I finally accept that I’m worth not turning off for, and all that I experience and think has a right to exist. I don’t need to continue the practice of forced forgetfulness.

So, here I am, always as ever, just where I left off.

Fully aware

Despite my days being dictated to me, I’ve realized I’m fully aware of it. At least I have that.

I’ve tried to schedule, journal, organize myself into a plan. A regiment that ensures my success and gives hope to my future. On paper at least. As soon as I think I’ve got it all figured out, reality swiftly reminds me that is clearly not the case. It’s ok, I’ve actually become used to this. At least I’m coming to (some kind of) terms of accepting it.

What’s the point in fighting the natural rhythm of things, of the self? Why ignore what is obvious when it stares me in the face every day. I require, I need. Better yet, I demand to be heard. That ‘I’ has yet to lift it’s encasement of requirements. I must do this. When I don’t, well its as though all the children I never had, come to make sure I know they’ve been ignored. It hurts, it’s usually some kind of painful. It almost always sucks.

But I’m fully aware. Well at least as much as I can be. At least I have this.

Like right now, being hungry. Really inconvenient. I’m laying here, breathing through one nostril, attempting to visualize the golden light and the grey smog. I feel comfort in that, but it won’t remove the lesson being played out. I’ve learned this yet again, yet another freaking time. I’ve written myself notes, letter upon letter of pleading sentiment. I’ve attempted to make moratoriums. It’s all just a joke. A really big one. As soon as I think I’ve got this all figured out, a swift kick in the ass will set me straight. Yet again.

But, it’s ok, I’m fully aware.

Even so… this sucks balls.

Devour the whole

 

It’s a day of grey and black.  The sky, the view, the mind, the soul.  It’s all in harmony.  As the cool air brushes my face, I sense a reality, a notion, of something bigger.  More.  It can’t be denied any more than one can deny their own existence.

The day progresses, I see colors and vibrations emanating through the air.  As a messy watercolor pool, one bleeding into the other, blending sometimes, others being avoided.  The prettiest picture, from a 1000 foot view.  No mistaking the chaotic beauty, the complexity, the spontaneity of it all.  Something we all understand, and feel, yet are repulsed by all in the same.

That’s where the devils lie, in the crevices of that existence. Amongst the deepest part of the fractal, the tunnel that never ends.  That’s where we are.  Our humanity.  Our existence.  That’s why it’s so scary, terrifying, frightening.  To jump into the pool of life, so to see the depths that this might go.  Forever, an eternity.  The sea full of the richest blues and darkest greens, the most vicious texture of life.  This place is un-mistakable.  We all know it, we’ve all been.  But seeing it, without judgment, that’s how the devils exist.

The default tendency to judge, to evaluate, to discern is what is to be human.  To learn is a more vague account of this.  The learning led to safety and survival.  We are still looking out for safety and trying to survive, but the wildness of our being has been tamed.  We no longer fight for food, but power.  Our time has been freed of these basic concerns, on the largest of scales.  We have the ability to think and ponder, for this is only possible with time and leisure.  Worry only comes now from our living.  Not struggling to ensure that each day would arrive.  The narrower our concerns, this became our struggle.  Replaced anew.  When the thought is dragged from its home, that’s when our inner devils become active.  The devil isn’t something outside ourselves or place we go after something.  It’s right here, right there, always, willing and able.  It’s only power is what we give.

It feeds on our doubts and worries.  The littlest, tiniest concern isn’t safe from this experience.  It’s the seemingly most absurd moments that are of particular interest.  These moment arise often, and it’s a brief moment that allows escape.  The other choice is to abandon and bring our ship back to a safe harbor, rather than being released to the turbulent seas.  The devils are so attached to us though, they just don’t let go so easily.  They enjoy their time with us so much, it’s of great comfort to them that we feel with them.  We know their pain.  So, out of compassion I feel.  I feel all the way down, to the absolute infinite end of that chasm.  The devil is shocked by this, and disappointed.  To dive into this abyss, this deepest ocean of space, is too much.  They don’t appreciate my being so willing to engage.  It’s only by struggle that the devils grow and prosper.  Why do this if it means actually doing it?  That’s the theme.  Total and complete.

So, I ask, wonder and explore.  It hurts, I cry, my heart and stomach sink and twist with the wonder and amazement.  But as I journey, to a land no other has tracked, or will ever be privy to know, a place just my own.  As I explore, more of it becomes apparent to me.  Becomes known.  I am this, this is me.  But I am really just perfect.  Devils and all.  It’s exactly as it should be.  Exactly as it needs to be.  It’s harmony and light, even in the darkest of corners.  There’s no place I can be more than me.  No approval, no doubt, no worry, all the same.  That’s where I live, in the deepest devouring of the whole.

 

 

And so it begins…

The first night of one year.  But why tonight?

Because it’s as ‘good a time as any’.  I kind of hate that phrase.  “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” is the other one.

It’s true though. I felt inspired in the bath tub.  Of course it was.  It’s likely that or the toilet.  Just as likely as the shower really.

I’m outta the game.  How’s this going to work?  I have no fucking idea.  I’m basically scared as shit.  Fuck, this means I won’t have excuses, reasons, a crutch.

I hate using crutches.  I know I need them sometimes.  Great knowing they don’t have to last.  Doesn’t make ’em any easier to let go of though.

I imagined a lot of cussing in this.  It’s becoming increasingly evident to me that my imagination/ mind has one of its very own.  Fantasizing the most amazing adventures of dysfunction and hyper vigilant self-criticism, which are implemented often.

Perhaps that’s why I write in weird abandoned paragraphs.  An attempt to give breaths to my bulldozing.  I’m trying really hard not to.  Really.

So, here it is, the thing I’ve been thinking about for… well, I guess weeks could work, but maybe it’s been months.  Perhaps a year?  But probably & more likely since I was 3 years old.

“I’ll never be like them”.  That’s another one I find sour to my senses.  A cliche.  But as I do this, I realize, I won’t.

 

*And a neither a word, nor whisper from my lips, will betray my efforts.

Caring for the self

What I need as medicine (in the Shamanic /  native peoples usage), can be very different than what many others need.  As I continue to journey through this life, I’m discovering just how unique my needs are.

Lately, spirit animals and totems have become very important to me.  This isn’t something I would have thought possible.  (Having one much less being able to relate to the experience of it).   The animals have been: Fly, Cockroach, Wasp.  As I allowed for the messages to be as they were, I embarked on my quest for knowledge and found a true treasure for my process that I now am, and will forever be, thankful to becoming aware of.  I even found a card set that encourages and supports this aspect of spiritual engagement.  The level of comfort I feel from this realization turning actualization, is one of great peace and completeness.

Another way I’ve come to find my best medicine: nature, plants specifically.  I’ve always been fond of plants and all that grows, gardening is a medicine I’ve had a long time.  Thank goodness!  Engaging with plants and mother earth, Gaia, pacha mama, in this manner has been of the utmost comfort through out my life.  Most recently, I discovered that my relationship with this would evolve.  I returned from my shamanic retreat, where our group instilled healing and cosmic awareness, 2 weeks ago.  Upon return,  I had a most interesting interaction with one of my favorite plants: cilantro.  It’s not just an herb I absolutely love eating, but growing lots of it has been a goal of mine for years now.  It’s finally happening, I’m proud to report!  I managed to drop seeds all over the place, some fell naturally on their own.  Now, I’ve got all kinds of patches of it growing around our house and in the ‘wild garden’ that was my 1st gardening attempt.

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I had been having a very introspective day and felt that being outside, using all my senses other than site, would be very helpful.  As I wandered, I felt the messages of all that surrounded me in nature, coming through.  As I walked, I came upon one of these patches and decided to sit with it, while listening to avid bird calls all around me.  As I sat there, a deep emotional/ thought experience began to bubble up, and as I observed it and my surroundings without judgement or attachment, but mere observation, I noticed a distant feature that was new.  The perfumed essence of the coriander plant became very noticeable.  I’ve begun to realize the ‘suddenly’ noticeable quality of a natural ally, becoming obvious, is sign to me that it is connecting and communing with me.  As I care for the plants, so they care for me.  It was on the shamanic retreat, that I learned to thank the allies in my process and offer then praise for their beauty and qualities.  That was really an awesome lesson to come upon!  (So simple, yet so profound)

The further down my path that I venture, the more I come to that is truly helpful, healing and guiding.  I’m so profoundly thankful that I’m being shown various ways I can engage in my spiritual practice, that aren’t dictated by another, dogma, or alienating.  This practice, I share with all others.  For it is not the details of how we discover ourselves, it’s that we do it so that humanity can align and share what is available in our higher consciousness, together.

 

Spirituality lock box

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A spiritual path, according to me. (Just in case you were wondering about this being my opinion and experience.)
The spiritual path is like walking a journey and finding keys along the way. Keys that are only a part of the combination, that when inserted into the lock, cracks the egg of consciousness open further and further, little by little.

How to find these keys?  Only way to do that is to journey your spiritual experience. Whatever that means to each person. No right or wrong. Some might struggle more because they do not understand they are incongruent with their truth, their actual.  Others struggle off and on through out their process, as it needs to be, for whatever reason.  It’s not that those who are more aware are better.  It’s that through our exchange with the world around us, we alchemize our reality/ experience into a work of art. Becoming the most proficient masters of our own creation.

Truth is universal, every human and being is allowed the experience of the higher self.

This might seem vague, but it’s maybe longer than it need be.

Eyes of Blue

 

Someone told me the other day that my eyes were really pretty. They looked sparkly and like a deep pool of water being reflected upon.

Wow! That was the best compliment I’ve ever gotten. I’ve always thought peoples eyes to be the possibly most attractive feature on another person. I know that the older people I know whose eyes sparkle, are always people I like and want to know better. I also want them to like me back.

When I sat and contemplated the compliment, not doubting it, or rebutting it, but exploring my experience with it, I found something I’d never realized before and thoroughly embraced right then.

Eyes are window

The time I’ve spent working on myself and my heart, has been a long road, with so many more miles to go.  But it’s a million percent worth the effort and struggle at times.  For the beauty of it all is worth more than life itself.  It’s something I feel and know, but there are times when doubt creeps in and wants to hack up any part of me that can acknowledge that.  That might accept it.  So, when I was again complimented on my eyes, by another person, a few weeks later, I immediately knew it was the signal I needed from the universe, source, my guardian angels, what have you, that I was doing right.  Right by me.  My eyes were the evidence to others to see physically what has been going on inside of me, alchemically as it were.  It’s little things like this that are us receiving the most valuable information from our highest selves.  This information can easily be dismissed or blown away as fluff, but if one takes the time to really allow for the experience and to embody it, we might just realize that the signs we’ve been looking for have been humming their songs to us this whole time, we just chose to pay attention to something else.  Sometimes, anything else.

It’s hard to be with ourselves all the time.  Today, I’m facing a challenge, well challenges of personal struggle of emotions that I wouldn’t ask for, but by being in it and fully experiencing all the nuance of it, I’m facing myself head on.  Not shying away, or denying, pretending I’ve got ‘more important things to do’.  I’ve had to hard correct the notion to myself that I’m not worth my time.  Time that I use to distract from the real deal of my living.  Time I use to deny I need to take it for myself.

Here I am, sparkly eyes and all, going through the muck of life.  Eyes shining, heart glowing, and covered in mud.  I decided I’m not afraid of me, or who I am, or what I need.  I’ll stand strong as the gale force winds approach, for just like a sapling tree, I get stronger the longer I stand firm in the face of adversity.

 

This feels so familiar

 

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Tiffany Villarreal, 2015

This feeling of nausea and dizziness.  The overwhelming notion that this is all so right, but I must be wrong.  The gift was delivered to the wrong address.  It’s not for me.

But then I was told a story in pictures, sounds, feelings, notions.  I had visions of beauty that told me my truth.  Thoughts and dreams that replaced my heart.  I’ve always been strong, always been right… I’ve always known.  Now, I’m allowing myself to fully realize.

Namaste.

 

This coin is flipping

Being mindful in the intense moments of a rush of energy, that I’ve previously called & known as anxiety… Has alchemized it into the most glorious sensation. It feels like a roller coaster. Intense, exhilarating, sparking. This used to be something that shut me down, ruined my day, crashed my boat on the rocks of life. Now, I am in awe at its wonder and amazement. I wish for more moments like this. This intentisty, this wonder, this beauty.