It’s a day of grey and black. The sky, the view, the mind, the soul. It’s all in harmony. As the cool air brushes my face, I sense a reality, a notion, of something bigger. More. It can’t be denied any more than one can deny their own existence.
The day progresses, I see colors and vibrations emanating through the air. As a messy watercolor pool, one bleeding into the other, blending sometimes, others being avoided. The prettiest picture, from a 1000 foot view. No mistaking the chaotic beauty, the complexity, the spontaneity of it all. Something we all understand, and feel, yet are repulsed by all in the same.
That’s where the devils lie, in the crevices of that existence. Amongst the deepest part of the fractal, the tunnel that never ends. That’s where we are. Our humanity. Our existence. That’s why it’s so scary, terrifying, frightening. To jump into the pool of life, so to see the depths that this might go. Forever, an eternity. The sea full of the richest blues and darkest greens, the most vicious texture of life. This place is un-mistakable. We all know it, we’ve all been. But seeing it, without judgment, that’s how the devils exist.
The default tendency to judge, to evaluate, to discern is what is to be human. To learn is a more vague account of this. The learning led to safety and survival. We are still looking out for safety and trying to survive, but the wildness of our being has been tamed. We no longer fight for food, but power. Our time has been freed of these basic concerns, on the largest of scales. We have the ability to think and ponder, for this is only possible with time and leisure. Worry only comes now from our living. Not struggling to ensure that each day would arrive. The narrower our concerns, this became our struggle. Replaced anew. When the thought is dragged from its home, that’s when our inner devils become active. The devil isn’t something outside ourselves or place we go after something. It’s right here, right there, always, willing and able. It’s only power is what we give.
It feeds on our doubts and worries. The littlest, tiniest concern isn’t safe from this experience. It’s the seemingly most absurd moments that are of particular interest. These moment arise often, and it’s a brief moment that allows escape. The other choice is to abandon and bring our ship back to a safe harbor, rather than being released to the turbulent seas. The devils are so attached to us though, they just don’t let go so easily. They enjoy their time with us so much, it’s of great comfort to them that we feel with them. We know their pain. So, out of compassion I feel. I feel all the way down, to the absolute infinite end of that chasm. The devil is shocked by this, and disappointed. To dive into this abyss, this deepest ocean of space, is too much. They don’t appreciate my being so willing to engage. It’s only by struggle that the devils grow and prosper. Why do this if it means actually doing it? That’s the theme. Total and complete.
So, I ask, wonder and explore. It hurts, I cry, my heart and stomach sink and twist with the wonder and amazement. But as I journey, to a land no other has tracked, or will ever be privy to know, a place just my own. As I explore, more of it becomes apparent to me. Becomes known. I am this, this is me. But I am really just perfect. Devils and all. It’s exactly as it should be. Exactly as it needs to be. It’s harmony and light, even in the darkest of corners. There’s no place I can be more than me. No approval, no doubt, no worry, all the same. That’s where I live, in the deepest devouring of the whole.