Not sure this is what ‘heart centered’ means…

Lately, I’ve begun to wonder about myself and my experience. I’m am emotionally sensitive person whose had a life, that, well, hasn’t been so nice…

It’s not ‘as bad’ as someone else’s, but it’s probably been a bit harder than a lot of peoples. I only say that because no one else has told me their deepest, darkest, most horrid life stories. So really, I’m just fantasizing that I’m that ‘special’. But honestly, for someone like myself who feels everything like a flood, it really is harder. Even so, I’ve begun to look at this and wonder, is it just me? Well, yes, but really the question being can I really, actually find a way to observe all this and not have to slop through the mud of my heart in order to be fully awake to my experiences?

boom-boom

I’m reading a book about this. If you know me personally, this is an ‘of course you are’ statement. (I’m always reading a book, article, website, something, about anything and everything…). It’s actually the best I’ve read yet. It’s called Feeling Wisdom. It’s fantastic. It’s a blend of Buddhism and Psychology. The first and only I’ve found like it. I’ve followed Buddhism more so than most spiritual practices over the many years and use it as a reference point for most things I do in my journey. The author is very well versed in both aspects and really sheds a new light on the illusion of our emotions and how we are helped by acknowledging them from a psychological stand point. He’s a fan of Carl Jung, a bonus for me, and really integrates all this into a presentation that I’ve found easy to relate to.

Too bad it doesn’t do the work for me though. The aspects of this I’ve found helpful have offered a guidance and light to my experience that I find incredibly helpful when a moment becomes a challenge emotionally. I’m able to be there for my experience in a way that I’ve not found before. Despite all that I’ve read and integrated into my daily experiences, it’s taken much time and a lot of continued reading to finally put major aspects of this timeless wisdom into practical application. I appreciate being able to attest to that, for it’s times like today, yesterday, now, that I find myself lost with no guides, no light, maybe no hope?

I know this isn’t permanent, and I know I’ll get through this with greater understanding, but it’s being in it that sucks. My heart is tired of feeling, my mind is tired of thinking, the body is about to revolt on me and demand food at 2 AM, out of spite. I just don’t have any answers when this kind of vulnerability rises. This is my rawest moments, the moments of true experience that cannot be hidden well.

This is what I question. Living in a society that over values positivity and a happy/ cheerful attitude, this kind of feeling is lost. It has no place to land in the general population of perspectives. I’ve come across that raw fact more than once. Even with those who are willing to feel themselves, they run like a rat from a snake when raw emotions start to surface. It sucks. Not because they can’t or won’t, but because it leaves the one feeling without experience of support and nurturing. Love and compassion. Acceptance and peace is a hopeful wish of those of us who feel so deeply.

I’m learning, teaching myself, little bit by little. It’s all such a process that there’s no way to rush it, demand more or different. I know my spiritual practice gives all this weight, thank goodness for that. It’s grounding to know. But sometimes I just want to be me, without a filter or pretense. For I know that the more authentic I am, the more you can be too. Then the more we all will grow to know who we all truly are.

Do you experience this? I know I’m not the only one, but my kind are quiet, sensitive folks. Share with me a little bit of you, I’d truly love to know. 🙂

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