I’m done with this shit… almost

Today. Freakin the hell, today.

Why are there days like THIS? The day of the feelings, the overwhelming notion of ineptitude. Why? Why this, why now? Can’t I just be the adult I want to be? Why does my childhood disfunction always have to come into it.

Because. Because I did and also didn’t choose this life. These experiences. My human self, this body, this mind, these organs are just along for the ride. They have no idea what we’re doing.

It’s the soul that’s really in charge. SO, I got to have the shitty childhood of alcoholism and abuse. I got to get through school with little understanding of bullying, but instead it was isolated to summer camps. I even got to & through my 20′s with confidence. But have since realized my shit is to be dealt with in my 30′s and beyond. So, why now?

Because. I have to. This is the souls journey. It’s the only one who needs to address the fucked up situations I’ve lived through. The only one that when I look at myself and then at the universe, I see my place in the scheme of it all. But then am quickly reminded that I’m not perfect, I just, don’t, know and sure as hell, not ready. Yet, I am. I always am. These challenges never arise in an untimely manner. No matter how inconvenient, they are always exactly on time. I would be able to keep time by it, but unless I can maintain the 10 million foot view of it all, I lose myself in the jungle of life and living. I have to slop through the mud of my existence. Understand something greater than myself. See, I’m more than just this. No matter how painful, or how hurt I feel.

What helps? Pot helps. It helps me detach from the experience, so I can get glimpses of that bigger picture. Helps me sooth when nothing else seems to be at my aid. Meditation, rituals, routines in my day, creativity…With all the practices, rituals and know how’s, I’m still getting through this one step at a time. One conscious thought in a moment. No one thing is the solution, no one practice is the answer.

I recently became aware that time isn’t fast as people might assume from observing society and our ever increasing speed of information gathering. It’s actually quite slow. Yes, it’s all relative, but I’ve come to a different conclusion that time is in it’s own right, something that’s like squeezing out of a tube of paste. It only goes as it does, never mind the expectation of result. Upon this realization, I then came to the momentary conclusion that our false assessment of it, means we can’t acknowledge that it’s step by step that it’s taken, not through leaps and bounds. This is hard to imagine when younger, our instinct of time is developed simply by our over active nervous systems, taking in all the information and data it can. The more we take in, the faster we learn what will kill us and what can keep us safe. That’s called growing up.

Being an adult, I’ve also momentarily concluded, is when you realize how you want to be in time. Do you want it to always be whisking you away, or would you rather have dictation on it’s relationship? Are you it’s slave, or it yours? Not sure if we can actually designate it as such and have it stay that way, but at least bending our minds to allow for the possibility, we now have great opportunity to grow and evolve in a way that wasn’t available before.

So, how does that help a day like today? A shitty, emotionally draining and almost debilitating experience? I slow down. I begin to reach for any thing that might offer even the slightest glimmer of relief from what I feel and know. My thoughts today have been “I”m not good enough” “I’m a loser” “whats the point, I’m just going to fail”… So, I reached for my favorite cinnamon roll, and ate some kids cereal. I’m making a big cup of my favorite English Breakfast tea, and am sitting to write. I’ve found a few lily pads to float myself by while I feel I’m drowning in the pond of my own making. But this took years of research, reading, experimenting and practice. That’s the catch, I have to instill these supports daily for them to be accessible in my weaker moments. I have to fill the bank, so can withdraw later, as it were.

I can’t change the past, can’t redo my life, but I can choose now. In this moment. Even though I have to be in the experience of what my life has given me up to now, I know I can choose a different response and possibility of growth from it. It sucks, but I’d much rather deal with it now, than postpone it for any other time.

“Get through it while it’s still fresh, so you won’t have to pick ax off the dried concrete later in life.”

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