Sitting, standing, thinking, feeling… Everything is tainted. Trying to find equilibrium around something that is based on false logic and premise. Realizing what it is I actually want to do, priceless, but requires the most effort on my part.
To imagine ones opinion to be well developed around everything in life, I’ve begun to realize might just well be a lie. To ever think we know everything about anything is silly in and of itself. There’s always more, something else. But that doesn’t mean we don’t settle with our knowledge and take solace in it’s exactness. We only know what we can know. If we don’t know what we don’t know, then that’s where the rest of everything lies. But we just don’t know that yet.
So, how is being and knowledge compare? Our accepted state of being is only that which we know & are accustomed to. I grew up with a ridged family whose Patriarch opinion weighed heaviest. The problem there… since each individual can only know what they know, to assume everything else that doesn’t comply is false or wrong, is to literally obliterate entire continents of people. Anything that’s not acceptable or ‘right’, is dismissed as not worth while. I grew up thinking that anything outside of my families (uncles) norm, wasn’t appropriate or valued. To discover I wasn’t one of them, took me my entire life to this point to realize. I’m going to be 38 this year. The shocker is that so much of what I’d classified as wrong, was actually just unknown. (That’s where the real me lied.) The unknown had become wrong. I’d become fearful of all that. That means that so much of what I’ve not seen or known isjust lying there, but I’m ‘too afraid’ to be known to it. It known to me.
The tip toes I take into the unknown are experiments. Each seems riskier than the last. I partially think I’m insane to have such notions. I generally have to be high to ignite them. While I’d normally think that’s unfortunate, my realizations, actualizations and enlightened moments wouldn’t have it any other way. I actually have to meditate my way through this. Meditation is the key. The ACTUAL key. Not a metaphor. But it is. As this is all abstract. But it isn’t. It’s the realest, most accurate knowledge of anything. It’s the realization of all that is. That we are complete, perfect, and EXACTLY as we should be, were meant to be, always would be. Yet we each are a freakin anomaly. If that isn’t fucking with you yet, then realize that all there is to know is in you already. You already have it, but simply need to now open up to it. You are amazing! And so am I, but being in the human experience isn’t that. Unfortunately, that is suffering. But with odds of our exact self being born, why wouldn’t we always be happy?
Because being on the earth, in human form, is something in and of itself an anomaly. I’ve only momentarily concluded that it’s because of a lesson to learn, something to be experienced in our soulful energetic presence’s span of existence. Throw some karma in there, and reincarnation and baM! You’ve got a human suffering soup for one. Each one. We all suffer at greater lengths at certain times and others experience it more acutely. This is why we are all equal, but why isn’t our suffering given weight? Time. It doesn’t have time to be anything but productive. When humans are productive, they have comfort and ease. SO, why not more? More time, doing more. The value placed on this has exponentially increased in power over the generations. it’s changed and evolved, it’s invented and amassed. It’s only now that people can observe it and see what this change and demand really costs.
Our selves. We must deny our basic needs for this to work. We must postpone our experiences and challenges to another, more convenient, time. Dont discuss this problem now, I’ve had a long day. The excuses abound with it, yet when someone takes the time to care for themselves, it’s met with a mix of shame, guilt, anger, irritation… That creates a pain response in me. I feel those far too easily for it to be a reality in volume. The only common factor in everything was me. So, I began to delve and research my experiences. I read endlessly and search for answers constantly. My curious nature makes for a great bed fellow. But all this effort does not substitute for experience. I cannot escape the processing. The knowledge is merely a support structure, one to guide me and offer insight for reason. I still have those days and those get better with each one. I get better at recognizing my need for self care. As a result, I see others taking the time for themselves. Even if what I do doesn’t seem productive or worthwhile to the outside world, what I do is harder than any job, any child rearing and any death I will experience. I’m allowing all who I am, to be and exist. All my weirdness, uncertainty, awkwardness, and lots of new beginnings, be in there own right. Even if I have no idea what’s going on with me, or be capable of clearly expressing it, I know that this is me. 100% authentic.
My personal distrust is subsiding. As a result, my intuition is now speaking up, loud and clear. My actual self confidence has blossomed, but still has far to go. My ability to love & accept has grown exponentially and I can tell others notice and appreciate it. I feel better about these things in a way I know is the greatest gift I’ve ever received. This insight is worth every painful, sorrow filled moment. Any time it’s hard, I know there’s a light. But it takes stopping, just breathing and relaxing ourselves into our true state of Being, to find it. We are in there, but it’s us that we have to be looking for.
But, what the hell do I know? 😉