Time for the self

Sitting here, second day of this. I have no choice in it. It’s time I’m forced to react thoughtfully. I’ve tried to ignore it, plenty of aids that get us through the day and don’t let it ‘hold us back’. I’m speaking of my womanly virtue, but this applies to anything we know we should take time out for ourselves.

Allowing myself two days, at most to rest and take the best care of me, to the extent I am able to at least. it seems like a lifetime. As though I’m wasting the most valuable time available to me. That for only those two days would I be capable of coming up with the most amazing idea or concept and it must be worked out immediately.

But then the way I feel gets in the way. I’m having the experience of desire, but the reality of struggle. Being required to observe and not act. I only have my discomfort to provide me comfort of consistency. As such, I’ve begun to look forward to my two days each month. Two days when I can take all time off and not feel bad about it. I can just indulge in all that soothes me and not worry a cent. This isn’t an every day thing. it isn’t all the time. This is time off and time for me.

But with all that knowing and cognizance of what is, I still struggle with it. Even though there’s little I can do to distract from it, I still manage to look past it. Only with much practice, preparation and self discovery has any of this ever been possible….

Always evolving, never finished.

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