An animated series brings it up


Just finished watching the most recent episode of Bob’s Burgers.  I freakin’ love that show.  I love animation in general, but this one is consistently one of my favorites.  With all the wonder that is this gem of creativity, I was a bit surprised to see the topic of Spiritual Evolution and societal reaction  to it, in an episode.

Summary:  Bob needs help with an injury and goes to a Capoeira ‘guru’ and ends up evolving into a man that found peace in his being, which then insights a reaction from his best friend who doesn’t like that he’s changing routines and habits, ones he’d come to depend on for a sense of security.  The story continues on that Bob finds himself re-inspired about his job and returns to a routine he’d had before.  The guru doesn’t enjoy that, but the friend responds with favor.

So, seriously, how many of us have gone through this?

Watching that play out on an animated show, one that rarely uses it’s platform for political or societal statements, this one was very interesting for me.  It also was a bit hard to accept.  That when we evolve or change ourselves for the better, we can be met with people we’ve known previously, in our ‘original’ state, that object vocally about it.  I’ve had it happen numerous times.  Most of those people didn’t last for me.  The reaction isn’t always directly about me, but likely they complain or protest eventually in a passive agg way, and I get the picture.  (This isn’t sleuthing, but rather poorly disguised issues being brought up).

How to handle it?  Well, as I mentioned, I’ve had to let some of those people go.  Some were eventually realized to be bad company for me.  It wasn’t as much an effort to depart from their friendship as my values no longer aligned with them so we just didn’t see each other much already.  Others, no matter what I did, I couldn’t save them, and I wasn’t going to allow them to drag me down with them.  (Watching a beloved friend be the drug abuser that she complained about her mom being, kills me and breaks my heart.)  If she happens to read this:  I LOVE you girl!  I have to vent about this though, I love you, but we just aren’t/ can’t be, the friends we used to be.  I still think about you though, all the time.💜

Those I was able to keep around me, I’m learning through them too.  I’ve realized that if I want people to be better for themselves, I can’t give up on every one of them, which would be everyone eventually.  I have to be me so they have someone who puts a higher value on each of us.  I think each person on the planet to be an amazing being.  No matter what pain, anger, destruction… we are or cause, inside us is the universe of all that is.  Of all knowledge, patience, peace, grace, healing, loving… We are perfectly complete just as we are.  I want others to know that.  I’ve seen my place here as a light that helps guide travelers through the weary darkness of our paths.  I have my own struggles, worries, issues… I’m not perfect.  But all I’ve ever worked for, for over 15 years, was my spiritual evolution.  I demanded to know more, experience more, be more.  I knew life wasn’t what was dealt to me.  That all possibility lied along my path, awaiting my acknowledgment.  I have a choice for everything.  Nothing is happening to me.  But I had to thoughtfully contemplate how I might create more choices for myself.  It’s a fantastic challenge.  What I say to others, is first, a message to myself.  To remind myself, confirm to myself, reiterate.  That’s why there’s so many ‘self help gurus’ and authors.  it’s because we  all need to hear this, repeated and repeated.  We are all in different stages and places in our individual evolution.  Any of it that occurs, is monumental achievement.  But there’s still so much left to be had.  But we aren’t missing out on any of it that we haven’t yet witnessed ourselves.  This is all experiential only.  No one can give it to you.  So, that’s why I work on my process with all my dedication and share my light.  That I work to strengthen & foster it through visualizations and meditation.  So that I may share it with others as often as I’m able.  Namaste. 🌵

Much love, thank you for joining me on this ramble.  I’d love to hear feedback and what you might have experienced around this.  I think this is a wonderful discussion topic.

Also, it might seem a bit all over the place, but heck, isn’t ALL this a bit ‘all over the place’? 😉


The bathe ritual 

Sinking slowly into the velvety warm water from the sea. Initial exhilaration is quickly mused by paranoia, doubt. Not sure if it was safe to venture into the ocean. Knowing it was absolutely necessary. 

The warmth caresses as a geyser left of steam, the drops tickle on the toe. Cold water excites, the warmth soothes and consoles.  Wondering, pondering, discovering, seeing; that’s what this place is for. It comes from within only. It’s drawn out easily.  But never without the reminder of yesterday. 

This coin is flipping

Being mindful in the intense moments of a rush of energy, that I’ve previously called & known as anxiety… Has alchemized it into the most glorious sensation. It feels like a roller coaster. Intense, exhilarating, sparking. This used to be something that shut me down, ruined my day, crashed my boat on the rocks of life. Now, I am in awe at its wonder and amazement. I wish for more moments like this. This intentisty, this wonder, this beauty.

Weeds… fun?

I’ve now realized I’m a big fan of allotment videos on Youtube. I love watching them, for a few hours sometimes. So relaxing and the culture is one I relate to easily.

So, why is it I see every one of them pulling weeds, every other episode? The soil is truly something to marvel at. The garden soil there is outstanding. Generally fluffy, grass everywhere, really a place to do gardening and participate in it. Seriously, I now know why this place adores gardening so much. Only second to their tea. [another mother…]

So, yes, absolutely why do they insist on pulling weeds, but before that, even affording them to grow?! They till the earth, something I haven’t seen done since the 90′s in the US. People in the tates revolutionized gardening, and now farming practices, so radically, that tilling the earth is now known to be destructive to the tender top layer of soil. It kills beneficial earth worms and bugs. Fungus chains can be broken, creating a weaker layer of growth. Growth that has amazingly been shown to let plants communicate to one another through electric signals. Science figured that shit out! Hell YEAH! GO SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (please use le gOogle if you would like to check my sources)

So, the weeds… I’ve no idea. They have the epitome of good soil, most everything grows well in it. Even freakin corn! I’m so jealous of the corn thing. They don’t have Monsten-franko living dead corn to contend with. Seriously?! Did you, the reader, know that if…. wait. Never mind. This isn’t that rant. Back to previously scheduled shit.

So, weeds…. Sexy soil it there is. Lushes plants growing in perfect unison and harmony. Yes, they contend with slugs and snails like N.B.B. [if you’re new, that’s, um… N.o B.odies B.usiness. But it’s yours now, so, there you go. Never say I never give you nuthin’] but yeah, that shit grows. And they have weeds.

Damn, it, I lost interest in what I was saying. Ok!

That’s All Folks!

p.s.  I only know many weeds that bother the most persnickety lawn aficionado, are quite delicious and are fabulously good for you.  Dine on friends, dine.


Modern Valentines is for the dogs…


The only 💙’s I need today… my dogs food.

Today, one of many holidays and celebrations that so many people participate in, that I find, well… detestable.  This tribute is to this day and everyone human being who has to deal with this bullshit of a day.

Now, let me get this straight:  I’m not saying celebrating LOVE is wrong, or detestable.  I’m saying this actual event or ‘holiday’ is complete crap.  It’s hyper inflated, obnoxious, self aggrandizing, alienating and utterly unrealistic.  Any day that puts people in a forced experience that isn’t authentic or real, that pushes upon the populations materialism and spending outrageous amounts of money on crap that no one needs or really wants, candy, stuffed animals, cut flowers that die…

Crap, ok, I’m trying really hard to make this come out better.  But it’s so hard.  Ok, so a happy thing:  I have lots of love in my life.  My husband is a wonderful person, who is incredibly interesting, intelligent, kind, loving, supportive beyond belief… He’s not perfect and I’m aware of his shortcomings, but I know who he really is, I support him eternally and he’s wonderful, did I say that already? (Wonderful because he knows who I really am, accepts me & our support of one another through all our ups and downs).  I can say this confidently as most who meet him, really enjoy his company.  He’s nice to be around.  This and much more is why we got married.  I proposed, in case you were wondering…

So, why do I hate this day?  Because of how fake it has become.  Because I embrace and am beginning to celebrate pagan holidays, I’m very aware of the origin of a lot of these events.  The origin has a much different focus than the variety of today.  A focus that’s much richer, sincere and full of wonder.  That’s not promoting a spend thrift attitude and materialistic pattern of behavior.  One that doesn’t profit from what you do or buy.  One that promotes closeness and bonding amongst the celebrants.  That reinforces  connection to nature.  That gives back to the amazing gift of life and experience that we’ve been given.  None of the modern version does any of this.

Just an hour on Twitter and you’ll see that disappointment in what has become a society norm across many countries, overtly.  So many people suffer on a day like today, because them being alone is the antithesis of the day.  Feeling more alone than you already were is the pressure being released of not having ‘that day’ to join in.  I remember when I was single, this day sucked.  I imagined that after i got married, it would no longer.  What I found out, the reality?  It can suck for anyone.  It doesn’t suck because my husband doesn’t do anything, or that he doesn’t try.  It sucks because he’s pressured to buy something expensive and pay for a meal that costs 3-4x the usual, for the same food.  If dinner becomes a possibility, the amount of ‘better than’ attitude around the restaurant is palpable.  Everyone, women mostly, scoping out the other tables to make sure no one else is having a better time.  (I’m guessing, We haven’t gone out on this actual day in a few years.  But I do remember when we did, all the ladies were sizing the other up, that sucked.)  Even those with someone can be disappointed because it doesn’t live up to any expectation. Even if we think we’re setting the bar low.  It’s just WAY too much pressure to be something, on a day we might not be up for it…

So, I’m here to say, stop with this insanity, take back your power, and lets find any other day of the year to express our love to one another.  Pick a random day, doesn’t have to be a significant other, but just a friend, and celebrate that off, random day of affection.  When prices are normal, people are just themselves and we can express ourselves without any demand from those profiting from our misery.

I’m done with this shit… almost

Today. Freakin the hell, today.

Why are there days like THIS? The day of the feelings, the overwhelming notion of ineptitude. Why? Why this, why now? Can’t I just be the adult I want to be? Why does my childhood disfunction always have to come into it.

Because. Because I did and also didn’t choose this life. These experiences. My human self, this body, this mind, these organs are just along for the ride. They have no idea what we’re doing.

It’s the soul that’s really in charge. SO, I got to have the shitty childhood of alcoholism and abuse. I got to get through school with little understanding of bullying, but instead it was isolated to summer camps. I even got to & through my 20′s with confidence. But have since realized my shit is to be dealt with in my 30′s and beyond. So, why now?

Because. I have to. This is the souls journey. It’s the only one who needs to address the fucked up situations I’ve lived through. The only one that when I look at myself and then at the universe, I see my place in the scheme of it all. But then am quickly reminded that I’m not perfect, I just, don’t, know and sure as hell, not ready. Yet, I am. I always am. These challenges never arise in an untimely manner. No matter how inconvenient, they are always exactly on time. I would be able to keep time by it, but unless I can maintain the 10 million foot view of it all, I lose myself in the jungle of life and living. I have to slop through the mud of my existence. Understand something greater than myself. See, I’m more than just this. No matter how painful, or how hurt I feel.

What helps? Pot helps. It helps me detach from the experience, so I can get glimpses of that bigger picture. Helps me sooth when nothing else seems to be at my aid. Meditation, rituals, routines in my day, creativity…With all the practices, rituals and know how’s, I’m still getting through this one step at a time. One conscious thought in a moment. No one thing is the solution, no one practice is the answer.

I recently became aware that time isn’t fast as people might assume from observing society and our ever increasing speed of information gathering. It’s actually quite slow. Yes, it’s all relative, but I’ve come to a different conclusion that time is in it’s own right, something that’s like squeezing out of a tube of paste. It only goes as it does, never mind the expectation of result. Upon this realization, I then came to the momentary conclusion that our false assessment of it, means we can’t acknowledge that it’s step by step that it’s taken, not through leaps and bounds. This is hard to imagine when younger, our instinct of time is developed simply by our over active nervous systems, taking in all the information and data it can. The more we take in, the faster we learn what will kill us and what can keep us safe. That’s called growing up.

Being an adult, I’ve also momentarily concluded, is when you realize how you want to be in time. Do you want it to always be whisking you away, or would you rather have dictation on it’s relationship? Are you it’s slave, or it yours? Not sure if we can actually designate it as such and have it stay that way, but at least bending our minds to allow for the possibility, we now have great opportunity to grow and evolve in a way that wasn’t available before.

So, how does that help a day like today? A shitty, emotionally draining and almost debilitating experience? I slow down. I begin to reach for any thing that might offer even the slightest glimmer of relief from what I feel and know. My thoughts today have been “I”m not good enough” “I’m a loser” “whats the point, I’m just going to fail”… So, I reached for my favorite cinnamon roll, and ate some kids cereal. I’m making a big cup of my favorite English Breakfast tea, and am sitting to write. I’ve found a few lily pads to float myself by while I feel I’m drowning in the pond of my own making. But this took years of research, reading, experimenting and practice. That’s the catch, I have to instill these supports daily for them to be accessible in my weaker moments. I have to fill the bank, so can withdraw later, as it were.

I can’t change the past, can’t redo my life, but I can choose now. In this moment. Even though I have to be in the experience of what my life has given me up to now, I know I can choose a different response and possibility of growth from it. It sucks, but I’d much rather deal with it now, than postpone it for any other time.

“Get through it while it’s still fresh, so you won’t have to pick ax off the dried concrete later in life.”

Being is the challenge

Sitting, standing, thinking, feeling… Everything is tainted. Trying to find equilibrium around something that is based on false logic and premise. Realizing what it is I actually want to do, priceless, but requires the most effort on my part.

To imagine ones opinion to be well developed around everything in life, I’ve begun to realize might just well be a lie. To ever think we know everything about anything is silly in and of itself. There’s always more, something else. But that doesn’t mean we don’t settle with our knowledge and take solace in it’s exactness. We only know what we can know. If we don’t know what we don’t know, then that’s where the rest of everything lies. But we just don’t know that yet.

So, how is being and knowledge compare? Our accepted state of being is only that which we know & are accustomed to. I grew up with a ridged family whose Patriarch opinion weighed heaviest. The problem there… since each individual can only know what they know, to assume everything else that doesn’t comply is false or wrong, is to literally obliterate entire continents of people. Anything that’s not acceptable or ‘right’, is dismissed as not worth while. I grew up thinking that anything outside of my families (uncles) norm, wasn’t appropriate or valued. To discover I wasn’t one of them, took me my entire life to this point to realize. I’m going to be 38 this year. The shocker is that so much of what I’d classified as wrong, was actually just unknown. (That’s where the real me lied.) The unknown had become wrong. I’d become fearful of all that. That means that so much of what I’ve not seen or known isjust lying there, but I’m ‘too afraid’ to be known to it. It known to me.

The tip toes I take into the unknown are experiments. Each seems riskier than the last. I partially think I’m insane to have such notions. I generally have to be high to ignite them. While I’d normally think that’s unfortunate, my realizations, actualizations and enlightened moments wouldn’t have it any other way. I actually have to meditate my way through this. Meditation is the key. The ACTUAL key. Not a metaphor. But it is. As this is all abstract. But it isn’t. It’s the realest, most accurate knowledge of anything. It’s the realization of all that is. That we are complete, perfect, and EXACTLY as we should be, were meant to be, always would be. Yet we each are a freakin anomaly. If that isn’t fucking with you yet, then realize that all there is to know is in you already. You already have it, but simply need to now open up to it. You are amazing! And so am I, but being in the human experience isn’t that. Unfortunately, that is suffering. But with odds of our exact self being born, why wouldn’t we always be happy?

Because being on the earth, in human form, is something in and of itself an anomaly. I’ve only momentarily concluded that it’s because of a lesson to learn, something to be experienced in our soulful energetic presence’s span of existence. Throw some karma in there, and reincarnation and baM! You’ve got a human suffering soup for one. Each one. We all suffer at greater lengths at certain times and others experience it more acutely. This is why we are all equal, but why isn’t our suffering given weight? Time. It doesn’t have time to be anything but productive. When humans are productive, they have comfort and ease. SO, why not more? More time, doing more. The value placed on this has exponentially increased in power over the generations. it’s changed and evolved, it’s invented and amassed. It’s only now that people can observe it and see what this change and demand really costs.

Our selves. We must deny our basic needs for this to work. We must postpone our experiences and challenges to another, more convenient, time. Dont discuss this problem now, I’ve had a long day. The excuses abound with it, yet when someone takes the time to care for themselves, it’s met with a mix of shame, guilt, anger, irritation… That creates a pain response in me. I feel those far too easily for it to be a reality in volume. The only common factor in everything was me. So, I began to delve and research my experiences. I read endlessly and search for answers constantly. My curious nature makes for a great bed fellow. But all this effort does not substitute for experience. I cannot escape the processing. The knowledge is merely a support structure, one to guide me and offer insight for reason. I still have those days and those get better with each one. I get better at recognizing my need for self care. As a result, I see others taking the time for themselves. Even if what I do doesn’t seem productive or worthwhile to the outside world, what I do is harder than any job, any child rearing and any death I will experience. I’m allowing all who I am, to be and exist. All my weirdness, uncertainty, awkwardness, and lots of new beginnings, be in there own right. Even if I have no idea what’s going on with me, or be capable of clearly expressing it, I know that this is me. 100% authentic.

My personal distrust is subsiding. As a result, my intuition is now speaking up, loud and clear. My actual self confidence has blossomed, but still has far to go. My ability to love & accept has grown exponentially and I can tell others notice and appreciate it. I feel better about these things in a way I know is the greatest gift I’ve ever received. This insight is worth every painful, sorrow filled moment. Any time it’s hard, I know there’s a light. But it takes stopping, just breathing and relaxing ourselves into our true state of Being, to find it. We are in there, but it’s us that we have to be looking for.

But, what the hell do I know? 😉


Time for the self

Sitting here, second day of this. I have no choice in it. It’s time I’m forced to react thoughtfully. I’ve tried to ignore it, plenty of aids that get us through the day and don’t let it ‘hold us back’. I’m speaking of my womanly virtue, but this applies to anything we know we should take time out for ourselves.

Allowing myself two days, at most to rest and take the best care of me, to the extent I am able to at least. it seems like a lifetime. As though I’m wasting the most valuable time available to me. That for only those two days would I be capable of coming up with the most amazing idea or concept and it must be worked out immediately.

But then the way I feel gets in the way. I’m having the experience of desire, but the reality of struggle. Being required to observe and not act. I only have my discomfort to provide me comfort of consistency. As such, I’ve begun to look forward to my two days each month. Two days when I can take all time off and not feel bad about it. I can just indulge in all that soothes me and not worry a cent. This isn’t an every day thing. it isn’t all the time. This is time off and time for me.

But with all that knowing and cognizance of what is, I still struggle with it. Even though there’s little I can do to distract from it, I still manage to look past it. Only with much practice, preparation and self discovery has any of this ever been possible….

Always evolving, never finished.

For the❤️ of comedy

HAHA, Ok, I’m trying to lie to myself that I can write ‘so seriously’ like a fucking paid writer. Pltthhhhh. Blah! That’s crap. This is NOT that, so…

I love the tragedy of comedy. It’s so soothing…. Awww shit, just lit my stub from the other day, hell yesterday, it’s getting ‘for real’ on this.

Yep, the tragedy of comedy. The part that makes people uncomfortable, squirm, feel bad when the actor is actually a funny person, but isn’t this time. I love it. It’s depressing in the truest sense. Each time I see a great tragedy of a comedian, I feel grounded, real. I also fear that actor might be revealing themselves and that we’ll lose them soon.

Since Robin Williams passed, I’ve been in a sort of whirlwind of thought around it. He was my actual hero as a child. There was something very real about him, he was strange and didn’t quite fit in. It was comforting. I appreciate his weird movies. I loved endlessly his best ones. But after I watched Toys, I began to worry. I became most worried after One Hour Photo, which is one of my favorite movies. It’s perfect in my eyes. It’s the right amount of depressing, strange, odd and an ending people don’t like. All with a well known comedian as lead role. Same with Punch-drunk Love and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. All the right amounts for me.

Tv shows have rarely hit this mark, but recently Baskets entered the field. Zack Galifianakis is wonderful. I really like him because I think he embodies the role of the strange characters and personas very well. I think this is because he’s also strange and weird. It’s not a leap. Watching that, I began to realize how much I loved Chris Farley. He was an amazing comedian as well. It seems the best shine bright and leave us too soon. My take on it, comedians are actually generally sensitive people who’ve decided to turn the tragedy of life into something people can relate to in a manner that relieves their fears. (Tried to put a list of some, then realized I wasn’t a comedian and I just sounded like a bigot and ignorant…. 😑). So, we all can relate to the tragedy of comedians.

Oh shit, ok, I’m exhausted, it’s been a long day. I’ve written 3 posts today, my brain is done dumping. (I swear sometime I’m turning off spell check, if we could just read the chaos that is our lazy typing).


Sources: What? I have to have sources?!

You will be saved by your coffee mug

I came across a religious film, all about Jesus.  It wasn’t good.  in fact, it was actually bad.  I wrote a review of it to the tome of  those who love and consume ‘all things Jesus’ would be the people who enjoy it.  I wasn’t kidding.  Granted, I probably could have said it ‘nicer’, but to be honest I wasn’t being mean, just irritated.  Why are those who claim to be so devout, fall so easily for such garbage?  god forbid I point out that fact.  That the everything themed religious crap being sold, isn’t actually religion? Even movies and shows.  But gluttony disguised as deep faith.  I’m not meaning items that have been sacred to the multitude of faiths for centuries.  Rosaries, crosses on walls, candles, altars…  These have been used by all varities of faiths to offer an object of solace during a troubled time or to help focus for prayer.  I’ve personally experienced the power of these images and symbols in my own times of need.  Being able to have a clear vision of your support deity, can be a life saver in a dark hour.  But what about all that other crap?

The t-shirt, the towel, coffee mugs, the plaque to add the 50 others on the wall.  These aren’t being prayed to, these are not being revered in a solemn way.  They have become simply an extroverted display of how good someone is.  because I have ‘these items’, I’m doing good.  I’m helping.  I’m following the dogma.  Being sold into a materialistic culture through religious imagery.  People fall for it so easily.  They want to spend money on something, anything.  Religious crap they don’t really want or need becomes an easy option.  Just more material possession that will consume our lives, one object at a time.

Why is this so irritating to me?  because people choose to do this, instead of helping, volunteering, offering patience to those who do not share their specific faith.  Instead, offering opposition to the help needed by those struggling the most.  What has organized religion become?  Just another money hungry monster that will devour our souls.  Well, not mine, I hope. As I purge and purge and go through the shitty process of my own salvation of removal of all that consumes space and offers no actual benefit or service, so that I may find salvation, I dare say.  I’ve done this not only of my material possessions, but also beliefs that were given to me, that I’ve since realized were destructive and harming, and at the very least, limiting to my utmost potential in life.

This behavior isn’t limited to habits and behaviors of the congregation, it’s also been perpetuated by churches.  The very building of worship has become a monstrosity of dis-grace.  Where’s the grace in the hundreds of thousands, if not millions, spent on the building of worship?  How can any person attending that place actually feel peace in their heart when that money would have offered help and assistance to so many more.  Since when did god or Jesus ask for mansions of worship?  They never did.  Bible stories even go over it all, knocking down these places.  So, why is it ok today?  it’s not, it’s just been community accepted.  The small, tiny churches don’t look as ‘pretty’ and people feel the appearance of their church reflects their religion.  Ok, fine I can agree, if it’s more shallow than deep, more ignorance than truth, and in complete denial of that actual situation, then we can agree on that.  Churches today are simply money making  businesses.  Nothing has escaped the money hungry culture the west has endorsed, everything, including a non-profit, makes money, but in ways that give the notion of a slight of hand type of exchange.  Helping others only comes as side task done after the cuts have been dispersed.  Everyones time is worth money, not effort or grace, love or compassion.  Each person who engages in this cycle, endorses their own position as a commodity, rather than a human being who has so much more to give.  As long as they attend the retreat, or go to another country every 10 years to help, they are doing good.  Despite that statistically they’d offer more within 10 miles of their own home, on a regular basis, they do not because they ‘go to church’ often and hang out with others like them.  That’s enough, oh and they have a ‘I 💜 Jesus’coffee mug.

I do not say any of this in an effort to insult.  But, rather, to open the eyes of the masses. I love actual religion.  It’s beautiful, warm, glowing and the most healing practice humans can participate in, in any form.  Pagan, Occult, Buddhism, Hinduism, and what could be more in the Abrahamic beliefs.  I want people to return to what religion really is, connection to all that is, every person, animal, plant, tree…  god isn’t something else, it’s us.  Each of us is the creator, we are all one.  We forget this as the buying ensues, the items are placed, and our lives are crowded with the delusion that these things will be there for us in our darkest hour of need.